{"id":3318,"date":"2011-11-01T21:25:16","date_gmt":"2011-11-02T01:25:16","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.gornahoor.net\/?p=3318"},"modified":"2022-11-01T22:29:16","modified_gmt":"2022-11-02T02:29:16","slug":"how-to-lick-a-toad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gornahoor.net\/?p=3318","title":{"rendered":"How to Lick a Toad"},"content":{"rendered":"

⇐ The Channel\u2019s Gig<\/a>The Butterfly Effect ⇒<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

\n

\"Cane
\nThe following night I ate chicken soup for dinner and tried to relax. I was fighting to stay awake, when I heard the voice: \u201cSorry \u2018bout the birds. I got disconnected.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI thought you were shot in the back. Are you dead?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI was, briefly. But abbots have to pay a heavy price for their transgressions.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo, talking to me is your punishment. I thought it was for something I<\/em> did.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot at all. You\u2019re my ticket out of this mess.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWhat sorta mess is that?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll need to back up. After the Nepal incident, I got stuck in a series of incarnations, each one worse than the previous. The bottom was when I came back as a cane toad<\/a> in Ventura, California.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know how that feels. So tell me the part about getting kissed by the princess.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, I did get kissed, but it wasn\u2019t all that glamorous.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSounds like it didn\u2019t go too well. What could happen to a toad?\u201d<\/p>\n

“It started as a pretty good gig. I learned to follow the dogs around, because their fresh turds attracted the best flies. That made for an easy lunch.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI won\u2019t ask how they tasted. But you must know there is no free lunch.\u201d
\n<\/p>\n

\u201cI know now. The turds also attract other dogs. One day a dog noticed me and gave me a big lick on my back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cThat must have been a trip.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOnce I got over the initial surprise, it actually felt pretty good. The dog started walking around in erratic circles. Soon the other dogs caught on and they all tried to lick me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI suppose too much of a good thing \u2026\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cExactly. I couldn\u2019t concentrate on the flies with all the interruptions. I had to hide in the bushes and wait for stray insects so I wouldn\u2019t starve to death.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo you were like every other toad. Why was that so bad?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have to remember that abbots are accustomed to being catered to. I could have survived that, until some teen age boys found me. They picked me up and took turns licking me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cStill no princess. Did they put you back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOn the contrary. They built me a little house out of a cardboard box, poked some air holes on the top, and kept me in a bedroom. Every day, they would bring me a few insects and take turns licking me.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cAt least they didn\u2019t shoot you in the back.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI wish. Eventually they got tired of the high and turned to Ecstasy instead.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOK. So they let you go back into the bushes.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cNot really. They placed me on a metal pie plate and put me in the microwave. There were a lot of sparks and I got this real bloated feeling. That\u2019s all I remember.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cWow, not a fairy tale ending. I\u2019m surprised, though. I though Ecstasy was a Love drug.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, they loved what they did to me. They were laughing the whole time.\u201d<\/p>\n

\n

⇐ The Channel\u2019s Gig<\/a>The Butterfly Effect ⇒<\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cWow, not a fairy tale ending. I\u2019m surprised, though. I though Ecstasy was a Love drug.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cOh, they loved what they did to me. They were laughing the whole time.\u201d Continue reading →<\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":15182,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[18,1405],"tags":[577,578],"class_list":["post-3318","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-fiction","category-hyperborean-saga","tag-cane-toad","tag-ecstasy"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gornahoor.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3318","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gornahoor.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gornahoor.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gornahoor.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gornahoor.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=3318"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/gornahoor.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3318\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":15181,"href":"https:\/\/gornahoor.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/3318\/revisions\/15181"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gornahoor.net\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/media\/15182"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gornahoor.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=3318"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gornahoor.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=3318"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gornahoor.net\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=3318"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}